Please God, why is this the end of our story?

I dedicate this blog entry to my wonderful motorcycle man.

This isn't a happy post. All my wit (what little I can muster) isn't part of these words. This blog is Tried and True recipes and Tried and True Life. This is about the Tried and True Life part. When I started finding food blogs a little over a month ago. I stumbled across a dedication to a food blogger named Jennie. Jennie is young and has two young girls. Her husband of 16 years had suddenly died (heart attack I think.) He was very young. A total shock. 
I went to her blog and started reading her entries. I cried. I cried some more. Then I cried even harder. Like watching an accident that you can't take your eyes off of I kept reading. Why? It hurts so bad to read her words. Why? Every time I read her blog I leave with this terrible painful ache in my chest. My eyes are swollen and my nose is all stuffed up. 
"But for the grace of God go I", I have decided I don't like that saying. It wasn't/isn't that I have more grace than poor Jennie. It isn't that grace is involved in anyway. It is the free life God gave us, and the fact that terrible things happen. 
I can't quit reading her eloquent pain filled words. It touches me at the deepest core of my heart and places a cold fear deep inside. Fear of losing my husband. The one that drives me crazy. The one that makes me cry. The one I want to throw in a trash can and buy a new one. Ok, maybe not a new one. But sometimes I think about throwing him in the trash can, and then I will take him out again after he has learned his lesson. 
What Jennies blog has brought to me is a renewed appreciation of my husband. It has also brought on a terrible paranoia. I walk around with this huge lump of fear that something is going to happen to him. If it happened to them (and they are younger and in better health) it can certainly happen to us. I'm not as cross with my dear sweet motorcycle man these days. As I know I would give anything for him to be here driving me crazy if he weren't. 
Life is so cruel sometimes. The way it ends is so painful. Our bodies betray us. Our minds get foggy. And we lose the other half of our souls at some point in time. As I read Jennies blog I knew that one of these days it will be me or my husband waking without the other. Why God? Why does our story have to end like this? 
So I would say love a little harder today and from now on. Appreciate what you are so blessed to have. Cause you never know when your soul will be split in two and half (the better half) will be out of your reach. 
Here is a link to her blog if your of a mind to shed a few tears and maybe learn a few heart lessons. Her love for him is inspiring and tragic and painful. It is also beautiful, and sweet, and tender.

For those of you who are believers. I don't think Jennie is or is right now. I think she is mad at God. I would be too for a while I'm sure. I think its natural to be angry at everything. I'm hoping you take away the gift. Not a judgment of her belief system. The gift is to remember to appreciate that special someone. 
It starts with:
Our last dance (video)  
 http://www.injennieskitchen.com/2011/08/one-last-dance.html
For Mikey
http://www.injennieskitchen.com/2011/08/for-mikey.html

5:52
http://www.injennieskitchen.com/2011/08/552-pm.html

Looking for you (I was)
http://www.injennieskitchen.com/2011/08/looking-for-you-i-was.html


You can find the rest of her posts on the right under "Most Recent" if you want to read the rest of her journey to date. The next entry is the one on bottom titled "Total eclipse of the heart." They are raw and painful and beautiful at the same time. 
My only disclaimer is beware they are painful. Have a box of tissues handy. 

To my wonderful husband. "I love you John with my whole heart and soul, and I promise to never throw you in the trashcan."

The Crazy truth is out!

Not for the first time since he entered his teen years but maybe for the first time I heard him. My son told me I'm loony. Why did it hit me this time? Is this the first time I really heard him? I can't even tell you what we were "discussing". More likely me doing the Charlie Brown parents "whaaa, whaa, whaa". I could see it. I could feel it. I was  just this monotone "whaa whaa". Then the "mom you're loony."  Oh horror of horrors. He has found me out. I ran to the restroom and looked in the mirror to see if I did indeed look like an escaped convict from an insane asylum. No there was just me looking back. But, but there was something I couldn't quite put my finger on...hmmmm. But the truth is out. I have been found out. I'm crazy. I've known it for a long time now. The closer to menopause I get the truer it is becoming. Now my kids know what I have gotten out of bed everyday and tried to hide. Yes, I'm crazy. Am I walk down the street in my underwear crazy? No, that would be the easy way out. I wouldn't notice everyone noticing my deep dark secret.....yes I'm crazy.
Yes, I'm crazy cause I still want to hug and kiss my grown boys like they are three. I'm crazy cause I want to know where they are and when they will be home. I'm crazy cause I don't want them doing things that hurt their bodies. I'm crazy cause I don't want them dating "that kind of girl". I'm a mom and that in and of itself is enough to make anyone crazy. I'm crazy cause just under the surface is this great desire to have a huge melt down and scream like a lunatic and cry. Ok, not everyday but sometimes.
But what I realized today........the real truth is..........that I'm really crazy because (whaa, whaa, whaa) I'M JUST LIKE MY MOM! That's really it. It's not menopause scratching at my door. It's not my three boys and husband. No, its cause I looked in the mirror and saw my mother looking back. EEGGGAAADDDSSS people, someone get me a straight jacket cause anyone who ever met my mother knows "she's loony".


ok, maybe some of the other stuff contributes to it too. But really really its my moms fault.